Descriptive!

Yesterday I found myself downtown in a quaint suburb in Southern Ontario. It was one of those typical suburb downtowns: a Dairy Queen, an imposter British Pub, and six beauty salons along a 0.5km strip. While browsing through the local clothing boutique, I overheard many middle-aged ladies in the shop pointing out “Snazzie” clothing items. The jacket was snazzie, the jeans were snazzie. I thought either this is the hippest joint in all of S. Ontario, or these women need to learn some new words. But then I discovered that the brand name of the clothes was “Snazzie”. I think it is a god idea to have a descriptive clothing brand – then your brand is identified AND complemented at the same time. It means so much more to say ‘these are Snazzie pants” than “these are Calvin Klein pants”. Is Calvin Klein snazzie? With Snazzie pants there is no need to ask!

Old stuff

Have you ever come across something in your possession that you have had for a very long time, but never meant to keep for that long? Now I don’t mean a priceless piece of furniture or your grandmother’s engagement ring, Some things you just keep on using because they are meant to last a long time – like cooking pots. Most are not meant to be replaced on a frequent basis. But what I am thinking about is something that is rather disposable but for some reason you still have it. Yesterday I was sorting through my old sports equipment (from the days when I was “sporty”). I was looking for some athletic tape that I used to use … and I found it in a very old ziplock bag. Now you may be wondering how I knew that it was old. Well this was one of those bags that has the white tab on it so that when you store something in it, you can label of what it is. When I looked at the label on this plastic bag, it said “Loonie Collection 1997”. I remembered I had used it for a charity collection drive almost 10 years ago. I wonder if I can sell it on ebay and make some money off of it?

Jobs

Every now and again I see someone performing work that makes me wonder if it is really necessary. Do doormen (or doorpeople) really need to hold the door open for people walking in and out of a building? I don’t find opening doors to be all that difficult. And now with automatic doors, it doesn’t see that the doorman still needs to stand out in the cold and hold the door open. The only people that really seem to need doormen are the Donald Trumps of the world. Everyone else seems to manage just fine (rather ironic actually). Elevator operators are another job I think is totally unnecessary – and rather inhumane if you ask me. I think it is pretty simple to press a button on a panel in an elevator, and it’s cruel to keep someone trapped in that small little room going up and down over and over. Claustrophobia and motion sickness is what that spells! And finally, the people we all love to hate – the greeters at Walmart. Their job is unnecessary, because anyone can get their own shopping cart, and I’m not so sure the shopping experience is so much more positive if people are greeted when entering the store. Maybe I am hard on the Walmart greeter is because they never greet me! Just because I’m not going to purchase diapers and potato chips in bulk does not mean that I don’t deserve to be greeted!

Beans

Yet another research study that I don’t quite understand – researchers in Venezuela have discovered the bacteria responsible for preparing fart-free beans. You read correctly – these people are interested in flatulence. Now I know there are various sciences that attract different types of people. I myself was teased as an engineer who took the magnificent work of other engineers and decided what color to paint it (if only that was my job – hot pink would have the ultimate comeback!). But really – flatulence? What is so attractive of this body of science? Apparently these researchers found that adding particular bacteria to black beans before cooking make them less likely to cause flatulence. I don’t want to know the experimental procedure that was involved. If they asked study participants to keep track of their “experiences”, there is no way they got a straight answer. And having the participants in a lab setting - measuring the output would be down right unpleasant. While I’m sure this study will help to prevent many unpleasant situations in the future, the saddest thing is that Bart Simpson’s song of “Beans beans the musical fruit” is no longer valid.

The Wide Universe of Golf

Golf, one of the most inactive sports to watch on television, is gaining in popularity. I have extended cable that includes the Golf Channel – maybe the only channel on TV that doesn’t have some type of reality competition show (that I know of). If I were to make a reality show for that channel, it would include driving those little golf carts on a highway. That would be the main premise, then we’d just supplement with some American Idol style singing, and Fear Factor like bug eating. Yesterday I read business tips in the Globe and Mail on managing yourself during a business meeting/golf game so that you don’t come across as a “goof”. The tips include managing your competitive streak, and limiting alcohol intake – hmm… just getting an idea for another reality show. But what got me thinking about all this golf business is a I heard this morning that cosmonaut Pavel Vinogradov is going to take a swing with his six-iron to hit a golf ball in space. Element 21 Golf Company (a Canadian Company) paid the Russian Space agency $5 million for product placement. I’m going to watch this stunt with eager anticipation – a multi-billion dollar space station could be destroyed with a golf ball all because some Russian saw Eva Longoria from space and wanted to impress her. Someone should tell him that it is just a painting.

Tags: Golf, Cosmonaut, Element 21

Mascots

More from my big day at the baseball game - while taking a walk around the stadium, we came across the team mascot dressed in one of those scary stuffed-animal style outfits. Caterina insists that being a mascot must be the best job in the world, because you get to dance around like a fool and not be recognized by anyone. I have two pieces of information to dispute this theory. Number one – at Disney parks, there is a hierarchy of experience for employees who dress up as mascots. The newer you are, the worse the times you get to be out among the park guests. Imagine being out at 12 noon, in 40 degree Celsius weather, dressed as the Genie from Aladdin. Try to stay cheerful while trying not to melt - enough said. Second, I was once a mascot – Wally the Whale, the mascot from a credit union where I grew up. This is why it was not fun: kids are mean and have sticky hands. They kick you and pound your outfit until you keel over, and then they get their cotton candy stuck in your outfit. There is no ventilation, and you can’t scratch your nose because your arms are trapped in these terrible gloves that are supposed to look like flippers. The only good part is that you can make faces at everyone you see and you can get away with it under the outfit. So if you are considering a life as a mascot – reconsider!

Tags: Mascots, Disney

I'm not sure what's going on

I had a great blog post on something puzzling I saw over the weekend, but am having difficulty posting it. The techical difficulties just got resolved. Sorry to keep you waiting -mj

Security Guards

Yesterday I had the privilege of going to a baseball game and viewing it from a “luxury suite”. While there was no Jacuzzi or butler, it was quite a treat to look down on all the saps that had to sit among the rest of the fans and risk getting hit in the head with a baseball. While at the stadium, I came across many individuals that were maintaining a secure environment – or “security guards”. Now I am not sure what you think of when you hear the term “security guards”, but I tend think of someone that has to shop at the big and tall store, can bench-press 1000lbs, and has a name like “Buba”. However the security guards I came across yesterday hardly matched my stereotype. They fit into two primary categories: retired, or college student. The retiree looking security guards couldn’t really keep up with what was going on all the time, and the college student guards could care less about what was happening at the stadium. I’m happy to know that the good people at the Rogers Centre care so much about my security that they hire the very best guards. I wanted to cause a security breech just to see how these guards would react.

Tags: Baseball, Jacuzzi, Security Guard

Post-Easter Sales

A week ago was Easter – and along with the religious seriousness of the holiday, there are several secular traditions that go along with this fun day. The Easter Bunny and Easter candy is very popular for this time. But I think the part of the holiday that people enjoy more than the actual day of Easter are the clearance sales of Easter items that follow immediately after the big day. Yesterday, a week after Easter, I saw people running through the grocery store and snatching up any Easter candy that was marked as being on sale. There is something about the words “clearance” and “candy” that makes people lose their minds! Proceed with caution at any grocery store – you might get trampled by the Easter sale mob.

Casual Friday

Yesterday was Friday, or casual Friday, as it is known in the business world. I am not sure where casual Friday came from, but I like the idea of it. Although on casual Friday, I dress slightly better than my usual casual attire. I wouldn’t come to work wearing what I wear on my Sunday afternoon grocery store trips. Because of the different interpretation of the word “casual”, some places limit what employees can wear. A friend of mine works in the consulting world where every third Friday is “decent denim day”. In Japan last year, the Prime Minister tried to promote more casual workplace attire in an attempt to reduce air conditioning costs during the hot summer months. Yesterday one of my colleagues decided that for him, it was not casual Friday or decent denim day, but dress-up Friday. He was dressed much more formally than usual – but didn’t provide a reason for why he was looking so snappy. He seemed to take offense that people questioned why he was dressed up in such a way. It made me think about business attire. It used to be insulting if employees came to work in casual wear – a sign of disrespect to the work they were doing (paperwork requires quite a lot of respect). Now we are somewhat insulted when people get dressed up. What are they trying to do – show us up with their snappy wardrobes?

Please remove your shoes

It seems that I have become more attentive to shoes lately. I always take my shoes off before entering my house. Well actually I take them off right when I get in (I don’t want you to think I am walking down my pathway holding my shoes in my hand). But sometimes this is really inconvenient especially when I’m holding several grocery bags and removing my shoes. I was watching a health report on Canada AM that said everyone should remove their shoes before entering the house because unwanted bacteria travels on the soles of shoes – and will then come into your house (get that Lysol out!). I was watching an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where at a dinner party Larry David said he wouldn’t remove his shoes because it makes his feet chilly. Of course his host was very upset at him and went off the handle at Larry (not uncommon in the show). And yesterday I read that Yuri Gagarin was chosen to be the first cosmonaut in space not because of his physical toughness or credentials, but because he was so respectful of the spacecraft prototype that he removed his shoes before climbing in. So the lesson is, if you don’t remove your shoes before entering, you’ll get sick, get yelled at, and not have a chance to go into space.

Yoga mats

When talking to my colleague Rachel yesterday, I noticed a yoga mat close to her desk. Oh this yoga-revolution! We all want to be so calm and nimble. I wonder if the ancient people who started yoga used yoga mats? If they did, I bet they were made of some type of bark or leaves. But yoga mats today are high tech – made of non-slip rubber with straps that help you carry them. I think is interesting how yoga mats look very similar to the non-slip webbing I bough from the dollar store to keep my spoons from sliding to the back of the kitchen drawer. I have a qualm with yoga mats … the fact that you trample over them with bare feet, stretch and pose away, and then just roll them up for use next time. Your feet have bacteria on them – and yoga mats do not look like they are made of bacteria resistant rubber. And often, from what I learn from Rachel, your face comes into contact with the mat. I doubt many people disinfect their yoga mats between sessions, so this could lead to a serious problem. Not athlete’s foot – but athlete’s face! Maybe I need to jump on this yoga bandwagon and start selling disinfectant for yoga mats … hmm… patent pending!

Sports fans

I was listening to a news report on the radio yesterday about how local economies suffer when local sports teams do not do well in their leagues. Toronto is suffering right now because the Maple Leafs (not Leaves) hockey team did not make the playoffs. Of course businesses such as bars, restaurants, and sports paraphernalia shops suffer. But there are several other businesses that suffer as well – including face painters. Apparently these teams bring a lot of business to face painters – and face painters contribute significantly to local economies. So Maple Leafs – not only have you let down the fans, but you are putting local face painters out of business. Its funny, I don’t think that I’ve even been given a receipt from a face painter – I wonder how they pay their taxes?

The Tech Revolution

Technology has completely changed the way that we organize ourselves – as I’m sure you are already aware. The PDA has done away with the date book, which in a way is a shame because I always looked forward to starting a new date book at the beginning of the year. It was a good reason to buy stationary (who doesn’t love new stationary), and glance back at everything that happened in the last 52 weeks. Also you had to manually transfer the contact information of individuals from one date book to another. So every year you could narrow down the list of people you actually talk to. Now with PDA’s – the contact list is endless, and the contact information of nearly everyone you meet goes into the device. The PDA/cell phone combination is even sadder for the Casanova’s of the world. No longer do these fellow’s have a little black book – because phone numbers go directly into the PDA. I guess the have a little black SIM card, which is hardly the same thing.

Confusingly Smelly

Natural things smell like themselves most of the time. Strawberries always smell like strawberries – whether they are in the strawberry patch, in a tasty short-cake, in jam form, or in a stick of lip balm. There is no confusion with strawberries – they always smell more or less the same. I like things that have a consistent smell – I always know what to expect with these types of things. What I don’t like are cows. Cows smell different when in different forms. Why don’t cows smell like leather when they are out in the pasture? Everyone loves the smell of a new car that has leather seats, but no one wants to snuggle up to a cow when it is eating grass or getting milked. Cow smell is very inconsistent. A hamburger doesn’t smell like leather or like cows in a pasture. It’s very strange when you think about it.

Mensa

Mensa is known as “The High IQ Society.” Its membership is restricted to individuals whose IQ’s score in the top 2% of standardized IQ exams. Isaac Asimov, Geena Davis, and Norman Schwarzkopf are members of Mensa. Unfortunately, I am high IQ challenged, and therefore cannot be a member of Mensa. I felt left out because of this – after completing an IQ test I realized I would never be a member of Mensa. But I started to consider if it is really an advantage to be in Mensa. Do people really find this impressive? If you wrote on a resume “Membership Mensa Inernational”, will your prospective employer be impressed? I think they would find it pretentious, or perhaps concerning. I don’t want someone working for me who can show me up in the IQ race. Being a member of Mensa is not a conversation starter. If you tell people you are in Mensa, they will think you are a prick and not be your friend. If your leg is stuck in a bear trap, people will think you’re smart enough to figure things out on your own and not come to your help. Not only is a Mensa membership of no advantage with non-Mensa members, it likely doesn’t impress Mensa members all that much either. If you are in the IQ top 2 percentile, those that are in the top 1.9 percentile IQ will look down on you. It’s a lose-lose situation.

Ouch!

In ancient China, there was a custom of binding young girl’s feet. This involved bending the women’s toes inward and breaking the arch – which would make it impossible for the girl to walk without assistance for the rest of her life. Interestingly, this was seen as a mark of beauty and it was believed women with bound feet would reach higher stature in life. While by today’s standards this seems to be an outrageous practice – I invite you to visit a trendy women’s shoe store today. The shoes that women are encouraged to wear will not only damage the wearer’s feet, they will also permanently injure her back. I’m not certain how women manage to wear these shoes without breaking their ankles or falling – but mastering these heels could be an Olympic sport. Perhaps though these shoes are more hazardous to those around the wearer. So not only does the wearer have painful feet, so do you once you get stepped on!

Stethoscopes

Why do doctors always have stethoscopes with them? I can see if they are attending to a patient then they might need it – but at other times, is it really necessary? Any time I see doctors in hospitals, or on the show ER, they always have stethoscopes. In the last few times I’ve been to the doctor, he has not had to use his stethoscope for me. How many hearts are they listening to? Is that the first thing that needs to be done with any patient – listen to the heart? I really don’t know about this since I’m not a doctor, but I would think the fancy flashlight would be just as important. Perhaps a tool belt is in order for doctors so that they can carry their arsenal of tongue depressors and cotton swabs. Why should the stethoscope get priority?

Just for walkers?

Is the sidewalk just for walkers? It does have the word “walk” in it – so I would say yes. But I’m a reasonable person, so I’ll allow any people whose feet are coming into contact with the ground for transportation to use the sidewalk (i.e. joggers and runners). And those that are legitimately using a wheelchair or scooter, and babies in strollers. But that’s it. No one else should be on the sidewalk unless they fit into the above categories. As you have probably guessed, I have put a lot of thought into this. It’s because yesterday I was nearly run over by a cyclist riding on the sidewalk. Now it was not as though the cyclist was out to get me. I was walking diagonally across the sidewalk to go to the entrance of a building, and didn’t shoulder check. Otherwise I would have seen the cyclist coming down the neighboring side of the sidewalk. I apologized for getting in his way, but then I thought that I really shouldn’t have. After looking at the street I realized there were several cyclists on the sidewalk – and on this street there is a bike lane in either direction! I don’t understand this – the bicycle to me is a vehicle and belongs on the street and not where people are walking. But since these cyclists feel the need maintain their own safety by not riding on the street, and put the safety of pedestrians at risk – I guess I should take proper precautions. I think I’ll fashion a hat that has a built in rear view mirror with turn signals on the back. That way I can see what’s behind me, alert people of my direction of walking, AND protect myself from harmful UV rays.

Baby Names

Yesterday I read that Gwenyth Paltrow and Chris Martin decided to name their baby Moses. Not a very common name (mind you I did see a famous Moses in Toronto last month). This got me thinking about names … there are many names that really don’t seem fitting for young children today. It’s almost like the name trend – sometimes names are popular, and other times they are not. There are several grandmothers named Gladys, but not many newborns. Similarly if a baby is named Mildred, that little girl will always be picked last for teams in gym class. But maybe with celebrities naming their children unpopular (to soon become popular) names, there will be a resurgence of old people names. I would like to see the following names come into the top 10 baby girl names for 2006: Florence, Evelyn, Dorothy, Ethel, Edna, and Dolores.

Haggling

Yesterday Luis told me a story of his mother bargaining at a garage sale – and in the end managed to negotiate a price $1 lower than the asking price for a pair of skates. End price, $2. I’m embarrassed to negotiate on something I already feel is well priced. If I could negotiate a price at a department store, then it would be worth it. But for something that is clearly well below the retail price I’d have to pay, I just pay it. I don’t see the need to haggle to save anything less than $5. But I know people who will bargain for less than $1, and if the seller doesn’t budge, they don’t buy the item. It’s only a difference of $1 … but apparently bargaining is such a craft, the bargainer will not concede defeat. When traveling to a tropical country, apparently the hand woven baskets which take young girls (who are too poor to go to school) days to weave are far too overpriced. So negotiate away! I’d never last in Tijuana – the merchants would be able to retire with the prices I’d be willing to pay.

Determining Mood

Hello folks. I apologize for the lack of blog entry yesterday – strangest thing happened. My computer refused to connect to blogger – or any of the blogger blogs that I usually read. So I thought that the site must be down. But it turns out that my computer was acting up and just needed a restart. This is something I just don’t understand. Why doesn’t my computer tell me that I need to restart it? It’s worse than reading people. When someone is in a foul mood, usually it doesn’t take long to figure that out. Then you know to tread cautiously around the person and brace yourself for any backlash. Computers on the other hand just misbehave – and it always seems to me that I can figure out what the trouble is, as though I’m a computer shrink. I try to reason with it, change settings, and even give it a break – but nothing! It’s not until I’ve run out of solutions that I think about restarting it. If people and computers both wore mood rings, then I would know exactly when I’m in a sticky situation.

Smooth Jazz

I like to work to music. Whether it is when cleaning the house or working on the computer – I always like to have some music on. My favourite type of music to listen to while working is smooth jazz. I find it relaxing yet upbeat … so it’s a good mix for keeping the stress level down, but keep me motivated to keep working. I realized though that smooth jazz is also the type of music they play at my dentist’s office. That is a bit unsettling.

O-Matic

Yesterday while having a quick look at the equipment the custodian at work was using to buff the floor of the office, I noticed that one of the cleaning machines was called the “Floor O-Matic”. I’m not sure what the O-Matic means – but I know I’ve come across many O-Matics. My friend Caterina has a cooking set that is called the “Cook O-Matic”. A coffee shop I used to frequent used a “Bunn O-Matic”. Elroy Jetson used to have an “Expand O-Matic” bag which he used to keep all of his nifty toys. So I guess an O-Matic is anything that helps you get your job done. And here I thought it meant the item was an Irish descendent of an automatic gadget.

Celebrity names

Celebrities are always referred to by their full names. Unless they have single names as their formal names like Cher, Madonna, and Prince, they are always referred to with their entire name. Tom Cruise is rarely referred to as just “Tom”, it’s always “Tom Cruise.” Nobody wants any other Tom that practices Scientology and acted in the Mission Impossible movies to be confused with Tom Cruise. Some celebrities are referred to by their ENTIRE name – this includes the middle name. Kristen Scott Thomas, Daniel Day Lewis, and Sarah Jessica Parker REALLY don’t want anyone to confuse them with anyone else. Even make believe celebrities like Ronald McDonald and Big Bird use their full names. I guess it would be difficult to figure out which yellow bird kids were talking about if they just called him “Big”.

Anecdotes

This is about those people who just have a GREAT story to share with you. "Wait I've got this story to tell you. The other day I ran into this person who was wearing a jacket that had tassels and then …oh wait, have I told you this before? Well anyway… he was wearing tassels…" You think to yourself - if he tells me this story one more time I am going to stab myself in the eye with this pen I’m pretending to write with. How do you tell people that you are tired of hearing the same anecdote? Yes I know you saw someone who looks like Rod Stewart buying a hotdog - You already told me, several times. I don't want to be rude, but after hearing the same anecdote for the seventh time, I’ve had enough. Unless the story gets more exciting or I am allowed to tell it – I don’t want to hear it anymore. I think I can probably tell the story better anyway - I'd make it more entertaining if I was telling it.

The Clever Swedes

Sweden is a great country – with their Olympic Gold medal winning Men’s Hockey team, disco favourites ABBA and euro-popettes Roxette, and the founder of the Nobel prize. Perhaps Sweden’s most notable contribution to Canada (other than Swedish Meatballs) is retail stores. Both IKEA and H&M are Swedish. There is something about fashion (whether for home or wardrobe) at discount prices that the Swedes do very well. It must be something they teach in Swedish schools – how to sell strange, and quickly replaceable items with unpronounceable names at cheap prices.

Saturday morning cartoons

I was channel surfing on Saturday morning when I came across some cartoons for kids that I had never seen before. I rarely see cartoon shows on TV that were around when I was a kid. I think it’s because the old cartoons were so unrealistic. Why did Fred Flintstone wear a tie? He worked in a quarry after all – you would think that casual attire would be acceptable. Donald Duck always dressed as a sailor – but I wasn’t aware that he was a member of the military. Kermit the Frog had a collar but no shirt to which it was attached – and he married a Pig. Popeye’s muscles miraculously grew when he swallowed a can of spinach - but he was also a chain smoker.

That certain "ring"

Some pairings apparently just have a ring to them … although I never actually have heard this ring. But it made me think how it would be if we shook things up a bit. If we swapped the ordering of things that had this “ring” – what would it sound like? Maybe it's just a different octave?

* When Sally met Harry
* Jelly and Peanut Butter
* Live with Kelly and Regis
* Juliet and Romeo
* Eggs and Bacon
* W&A Root Beer
* Nobel and Barns
* Clyde and Bonnie
* Dip and Chips
* Dragons and Dungeons
* The Mail and Globe
* Oates and Hall
* Perrins & Lea
* Prejudice and Pride
* Gamble and Proctor
* Roy and Siegfried
* Caicos and Turks
* Yang and Yin

Spring Forward

Tonight – remember to set your clocks ahead by one hour before going to bed. It’s the end of daylight savings time (I think). It’s depressing to think that you literally lose an hour … think of all of the fun that you are missing out on! An episode of Desperate Housewives + 15 minutes of commercials – GONE! The hour it takes to cook a pot roast – DISAPPEARED! Putting that load of laundry in the dryer – VANISHED! So to compensate we sleep one less hour which of course leads to cranky, unrested people. So Monday morning we will all be tired, hungry, wearing wet clothes, and won’t know the latest drama from one America’s favourite TV shows.