The wheels on the bus...

When I was in grade school, I used to take the school bus home. The cheese mobile. Why do school buses have to look so ridiculous? With their orange shell and black stripe – looks like its trying to be a tiger but didn’t quite make it. If the bus ever stopped abruptly you’d bump your head on the back of the seat in front of you and end up with quite a bruise. I now take public transit (I’m moving up in the world!) and notice how different it really is. The seats are somewhat separated - no bench seating. It’s like giving everyone their own personal bubble. On the public transit we have so many options for sitting – forward facing, backward facing, sideways – and we can stand! We had a “NO STANDEES” sign at the front of our school bus (who knew that standees is a word). But on public transit no one speaks with each other unless they know them … where on the school bus we’d all band together to try to irk the driver. On public transit you have to pay attention to where you are going to make sure you don’t miss your spot where the school bus was so chauffeur like … you don’t even have to pull the chord to request the next stop. The driver always knows where to drop you off – what service!

Mystery solved

So the mystery may be solved … maybe Mona Lisa gave birth to a newborn and the painting was commissioned to show her after she had her baby. But wait – the Da Vinci code taught me that Mona Lisa may be Da Vinci in drag. What about the Mona Lisa smile … will it get renamed to “lady who just had a baby smile”? All of this analysis over the Mona Lisa – I’m sure Da Vinci is laughing at us right now. My theory is that it is just some woman that lived on Da Vinci’s street and who really didn’t like people and turned him down for a date. So he painted this lady in a mysterious portrait so that people could analyze her for the next 500 years. The ultimate revenge! Granted there is an air of mystery to art … what was the artist thinking? That’s what we all want to know apparently. But what about all of the day-to-day things that we don’t really give much thought to but really are remarkable. For example – how do the raccoons in my area always manage to open my garbage bin? I use all the techniques that I know to keep them out of the garbage, but every morning the bins are turned over and garbage is strewn all over the ground. Or how about why there are such long lines at the department of motor vehicles. They use this tricky numbering system that is a letter and a number – as though you are playing bingo. Why does it take 2 hours until your number is called? Those are mysteries that these scientists should be working on – at least we can all benefit from the answers!

The celebrity scene

What’s the story with all of these reality shows staring celebrities (or have-beens)? I don’t understand these shows at all … celebrities compete against each other to see who is the best singer, dancer, chef, mechanic – just about anything. I think it just goes to show what risks celebrities will take to stay in the spotlight. You may be the former mayor of Cincinnati and a famous trash talk-show host, but if you can’t win the tango competition on TV, you’re nothing! The celebrities that they have on these shows aren’t terribly appealing to me (although I think the judges are even worse - but that's for another blog post). I’d like to see Oprah on dancing with the stars. Or Katie Couric dancing the jive. Maybe Don Cherry on a celebrity version of survivor (let’s see what he would do with this silly racial segregation thing they have going right now). Perhaps the most disappointing thing I’ve ever seen celebrities in is Celebrity Jepoardy. Not only are the questions super easy, but the celebrities often don’t remember to phrase the answer in the form of a question! Come on Hollywood folk – you can memorize lines for a 3 hour snooze fest about looking for lost treasure in the desert, but you can’t remember to say “what is”?

The Matrix matrix

Yesterday I took a different route home than I usually do. The walk took me through a residential area with several 4-way stops. I’m not a fan of the 4-way stop simply because I feel very nervous when it is my turn to go through the intersection. Should I go? Should I wait? Is he going to wait? Did she see me? OK I’m going to go – no wait he’s going now. All of this anxiety is why I don’t drive. I find when I’m walking I just walk. Everyone has to cater to ME! Actually I’m sure that’s not the way it’s supposed to be, but I figure that they are in a warm and protective car … and I’m out here facing the elements and pollution – so they can give me a break and let me cross the street. So anyway, back to the 4-way stop. As I approached the intersection a black Toyota Matrix went through the intersection. Immediately afterward a white Toyota Matrix went through in the opposite direction. I thought that was a bit funny, so after I walked through the intersection I looked back and a third Toyota Matrix (this time in red) went through the same intersection. Three Toyota Matrix in a row! It was trippy … a matrix of Matricies. I guess that’s an indication of a residential area - everyone owns the same family vehicle.

Xena in space

By now you must be aware that the lovely and adorable planet of Pluto was voted out of our solar system and was demoted to a "dwarf planet". I read over the weekend that while an official name was being selected, Pluto was renamed to Xena, after the warrior princess television show. Pluto's new name now is Eris, the Greek goddess of chaos and strife. However, Xena hasn't been completely removed from outer space. The moon of Eris (the planet formerly known as Pluto) is Dysnomia, after Eris' daughter, a demon spirit of lawlessness. The happy coincidence is that Xena is played by Lucy Lawless. Now the big question - have we really run out of great people on earth that when it comes to naming relatively insignificant things in outer space we can't provide them with names of real people? I never realized that Xena was such an influential television show ... since it has such a large influence in outer space, it may also be able to help us solve some of our issues here on earth. I had a sneaky feeling that chest plates and horseback riding was an answer to many of our problems.

Spam-ola

I’m very grateful for my spam filter … it prevents me from being distracted by nuisance emails. Before my spam filter was working in full-tilt, I used to delete emails in error and then have to make up excuses on why I didn’t attend get-togethers (I couldn’t very well say that I deleted the email!). Sometimes it’s tricky to tell the difference between a birthday party email, and a spam email for a different type of party that you’d rather not attend (you know the type). But now that I have the spam filter working, I like to look in the spam folder to see what I’m missing out on: weightloss with Anatrim the miracle drug, penny stock tips (apparently the symbol is TZFP), and Regenesis growth hormone (I really don’t want to know what that is for). Sometimes I appreciate spam because my inbox isn’t always as promising. No one that I know promises me weightloss or money or instant growth!

Celebrity Photos

Yesterday I was in a bookshop with Laura when we came across the ever-so-exciting Vanity Fair – Suri Cruise edition. I’m not much of a celebrity follower, but I was very curious to see what all the hype was about. On the cover it advertised a 22-page section of photographs … which I had difficulty finding among all of the advertisements in the magazine. Thank goodness for Laura being able to wade through all of the other articles to find the photographs of interest. There were typical Cruise style cheesy family photographs, but the last photo was one that took the cake. A photo of Tom and Katie hugging each other and the baby while sitting on a blanket with native American style print, in a field with a lovely mountain backdrop. A typical activity and setting for any family photo. I love the look on the kid’s face in this photo – almost to say “I can’t believe I belong to these two”. I looked for a larger version online, but this was as best as I could find. Check it out at your nearest bookshop.

Childproofing – on the playground

When I was young, the playground was a fun but dangerous place to play. Some wise person had the idea to line the ground of the playground with tiny orange pieces of gravel … they clearly cushion falls more than say – grass. Everyone at some point in time would come home with terrible injury as a result of sliding on that gravel. As I grew out of playgrounds I noticed that they became lined with woodchips, and then later on little pieces of rubber. I think they value children more now than they did when I was young. I came across this safe playground in Japan that really takes the cake when it comes to childproofing.

"First-time visitors must provide proof of identification before they enter the indoor, air-conditioned premises . . . Shoes must be removed at the door -- they carry germs -- and the wheels of baby-buggies are sprayed with an antibacterial solution before being parked in neat rows, just inside the entrance . . . [there are] about 20 staff dressed in bright yellow overalls and more than a dozen security cameras mounted on the ceiling. Although pets are banned from the playground, its large sandpit contains sterilized sand which is sifted daily to remove any potentially harmful objects. Most of the bigger toys are inflatable to reduce the risk of injury."

True Blue

I’d say that blue is my favourite colour – because I find it so calming, and because some of the best things in the world look blue: the sky, the ocean , and Marge Simpson’s hair. I was reading the newspaper yesterday when I came across this wonderful bit of trivia about my favourite colour:

At the "cool" end of the spectrum, blue can induce such physiological effects as lowering blood pressure, slowing breathing and releasing muscular tension, said consumer psychologist Donna Dawson. It is one of the reasons, she added, why airline cabin crew often wear blue, to calm the nerves of passengers who don't like to fly. But blue's popularity plummets when it comes to foods. This is a message from our "ancient minds," from a prehistoric time when blue signalled rotting -- and therefore poisonous -- meat.

Now that I think of it, I’ve never seen a blood pressure cuff that was not blue! What a scandal … all of those blue cuff manufacturers are inducing lower BP in patients!

The facial hair of men

What happened to the mustache? When I was younger, many men had mustaches. Now there are goatees and beards - but they have evolved. Big bushy beards seem to be out - and finely trimmed beards seem to be in style. Maybe it is because of the advent of fancy quadruple blade razors? There are some mustaches that I think look really fun - but very few people have them. Like the mustaches that curl at the end. Why don't more men keep those? Maybe they are difficult to maintain - perhaps you need some special mustache hair product to keep the curl. But I do see some burley men who clearly are banking on playing Santa in shopping malls come December since they keep long thick beards. I wonder about those fellows - how do they keep their beards clean? What a mess if you are eating an ice cream cone and get some ice cream in your beard! Is there special beard shampoo - or do you just use regluar shampoo? Or soap? Do you need to condition? Does the beard need to be brushed or combed? You don't want knots in that!

Pet Parents

I wouldn’t say that I am a pet person. The only pets that I’ve ever had are fish … and they never lasted long. But I do know that there are “cat people”, “dog people” and apparently “ferret people” – although I can’t imagine why people would want ferrets. I was watching television yesterday when I saw an advertisement for Petsmart. It was showing what “pet parents” are like – and how it’s OK to be a good pet parent. First, if you are a bad pet parent then you are just a bad person. Second – if someone needs to be reassured that it is ok to love their pets, then they need to watch a Dr Phil episode on self confidence. In this advertisement, a lady was showing off a photo of her dog on her cellphone to all of her friends. Of course her friends were not pet parents so they didn’t appreciate how well the dog could catch a ball, or what a great friend he is to this lady. The only person that could understand this pet parent was a Petsmart employee. Now this all sounds well and good – but here’s the scandal. The Petsmart employee was not an authentic employee at all – he was Oscar from NBC’s The Office! So clearly no one understands pet parents so they have to hire actors to fake it.

Child proofing...in the house

One of the most annoying things in the world, I find, is household child proofing. Now don’t get me wrong – I don’t want any children hurting themselves while in the house – but child proofing and I are not friends. I hate those things that don’t let the cabinets open. I know they are supposed to prevent kids from drinking the fun coloured, but extremely dangerous, Mr Clean. If kids are anything like I was when I was a kid – I’ll figure out how to open that cabinet. It would make more sense to me to store the Mr Clean in a safer place than a cabinet that is right at the level of a little kid. But instead parents just keep it where all kids can see it, and then board up the cabinet so that no one can get to it. I don’t think there was any child proofing in my house when I was young … and I’m still alive. So either I was an extremely resilient kid, or we didn’t have any Mr Clean when I was young.

Self Haircuts

If you were the best hairdresser around, who would you get to cut your own hair? Could you trust any other hairdresser to cut and style your hair? It’s a question for the ages! If I was the best hairdresser, I would cut and style a wig, and then wear that around. That way I could style it myself and be able to sport my own work (I’m always thinking!). I read that one celebrity hairdresser cuts his own hair – on his head, not on a wig. Some of the tips that he had for cutting your own hair included: Take it slowly. Cut hair when it's dry. Don't cut straight lines. For short styles, don't bother with a mirror; feel around your head, pulling each section and trimming. He adds that "sometimes I'll cut my hair outside by looking at my shadow." I have a feeling that if I tried his tactics, I wouldn’t be too pleased with the results - especially if it is a cloudy day out (where’s the shadow then!!!).

Flip-Shades

What ever happened to flip-shades? Those cool add-ons to glasses that instantly make sunglasses. They are so functional. No need to poke your eyes with contact lenses so that you can wear sunglasses. You don’t have to remove your glasses when you come indoors, just flip the shades up! The easy-clip magnetic clip-on sunglasses are an attempt to beat the flip-shades, but are not nearly as good. And let’s not get into the over the glasses sunglasses – those will make you look more like Robocop! Flip-shades store themselves – at the top of your glasses frames! They are also a great way for people to look more mature … nothing screams “geriatric” more than flip-shades!

The bookshelf

I have a bookshelf that drives me crazy every day. It contains a bunch of different books - about 50% of which I've never read. Darn those garage sales and their 50 cent books! I purchased books by authors of books that I've read in the past, Giller Prize winning books, Booker prize winning books, and books that looked good based on the cover (I followed convention on those ones). I have such nobel intentions in purchasing these books. If it is famous and critically acclaimed, then I SHOULD read it! I need to be in that elite group of individuals that analyses fine literature and applies it to my daily life. But instead of reading, I opt to watch my television, where I watch HBO and then apply new curse words to my vocabulary. The bookshelf taunts me because the TV sits atop of it - maybe I should just move the TV .. that is much easier than reading.

The man with the hamster

Yesterday on my way home I noticed a perfectly normal looking man acting strangely on the subway platform. Not that it is all that remarkable - everyone that takes the subway acts strangely (including myself). As he walked past me I noticed that he was stroking a hamster. This tiny little rodent in his hand was giving him much pleasure. He would bring it close to his mouth and whisper sweet-nothings into the hamster's ear. After we got on the train, I noticed the man no longer had the hamster in his hand. Where could it have gone? Did he pitch it into the depths of the tracks (to live with the other rodents underground)? Did he put it into his man-bag? Well mystery solved when i saw a little hamster head sticking out of the bottom button of his shirt - he threw it down his shirt! For the remainder of the train ride he kept poking at his shirt ... I'm sure he was trying to ensure the hamster didn't run into his pants.

The man-bag

Man-bags, purses that are meant for men. I don't see why more men don't use man-bags ... for all their electronics, documents, wallets, etc. Men who wear all of these items on their belts are more weighted down than construction workers. Not to mention all the radiation emitted around the waist area!

I came across this a few days ago that made me realize that it is not only man-bags that men have adopted from wise women.

"mandals" (sandals), "guyliner" (eyeliner), "man crush" (hero worship), "manscaping" (trimming, waxing or brushing the body hair), "manstress" (a woman's man-on-the-side), "mansy" (a guy who's not a complete wimp, but he does have his moments), "manties" (very brief, tight-fitting men's underpants)

My guess is the "manties" would produce the same harmful effects as wearing a Blackberry on the belt!

Babykeeper

I was watching one of those “Dateline” style news shows once when I learned that when you are in the stall of a public restroom – do not hang anything on the hook on the door. No handbags, no jackets – NOTHING! This is because thieves are waiting until you are comfortable when they reach over the door of the stall and snatch whatever is hanging there. Of course it is very difficult for you to defend yourself (or your belongings) when you are sitting with your pants down. But what do you do with all of your belongings? Sometimes you need a place to keep things. A little while ago, my friend Laura sent me a solution to the dilemma of where do you keep your little kid when you need to visit the loo? The Babykeeper allows you to hang your child in a harness on the door of the stall while you are busy. I bet the inventors of this contraption never caught that news show. And we wonder why kids are so messed up!

Jingles

Yesterday evening I wanted to catch up on my TV viewing ... so I tuned into quality, cultural, OMNI television. I noticed old-school songs used as background music in several advertisements: The Pointer Sisters "I'm so excited" and Petula Clark's "Downtown" are both used in cell phone ads. Now I'm guessing that these songs were not originally intended to be used for promotion. I'm sure the Pointer Sisters really were very excited and they just couldn't hide it, and that Petula Clark really did enjoy going downtown - and neither artists were talking about cell phones! I wonder which songs will be used for promotion purposes in the future? Gnarles Barkley's "Crazy" for Prozak? Maybe Shakira's "Hips don't lie" for women's clothing? All these singles will put jingle writers out of a job!