Awards

Why are there so many award shows for celebrities and entertainers? I really don’t understand this. There are so many other talented people in the world, and they rarely get acknowledged. But sing a catchy song and you are all over the radio, television, tabloids, AND you win awards. My mantle looks completely bare, where a one hit wonder’s mangle is full of awards like moon men and grammy’s. I think that everyday people should get more awards … like the “thanks for staying home when you were sick” trophy, the “congratulations for yielding to pedestrians” certificate, and “a fantastic thanksgiving cooking award”. I think these awards definitely would look fabulous on a mantle.

Lessons from the weekend:

1. When mopping the floor, do not push the mop bucket with your foot, especially if the floor surface is uneven.

2. In the event of a spill, unplug all electrical appliances that are on the ground and may be switched on.

3. Do not walk carelessly through wet patches to dry patches ... there is a high slippage factor.

4. After getting back on your feet after a fall, ensure that the wet floor doesn't cause you to fall again.

5. Ice cream cures all boo boos.

Breakfast Bagels

Yesterday at the subway station the good people from Dempsters were handing out free samples of their new breakfast pack – a bagel that comes with two tiny packages of either peanut butter or jam. What a nice treat! A vacuum sealed breakfast that you can purchase off the grocery shelf and enjoy on your way to work! Funny enough, I thought that bagels were best when baked fresh – but Dempster’s sure proved me wrong. I don’t know when these bagels were made or packaged, but the expiration date informs me that this bagel is good for another 3 weeks! Imagine that! I’m afraid to read the ingredients, but the only thing that I can imagine will preserve a big, white, puffy bagel for that long is something radioactive!

Baking

I’m not much of a baker … I’m fairly convinced that anything that I wish to bake will taste much better if I just purchase it from a bakery. Bakers are professionals after all. I don’t understand the concept of trying to one-up the baker. No one challenges the butcher – you’re not going to bring live chickens into your house and prepare them yourself for cooking. How about a dairy farmer? Have you got a cow in your backyard just to prove that you can do a better job than a baker? And don’t get me started on the fish monger! There are two advantages of baking at home: 1. Your kitchen gets warm and toasty from the oven being on … but electricity doesn’t grow on trees! 2. You get a pleasant smell in your house as the item is getting baked. Pleasant until it gets burned … then you just get that charred smell.

Tangled and twisted

I’m a bit neurotic … but whenever my the cord for my telephone at my desk is all twisted and tangled up, I have to disconnect the cord and straighten it out. I don’t know why the twisting bothers me so much – but I HAVE to have it straightened out. I’d likely think about it all evening long if I didn’t straighten it out. I read these tips in the newspaper on how to prevent the tangled chord – and prevention is better than having to fix it later on!
1. Always use the non-dominant hand to pick up and hold the receiver, so avoiding changing hands when writing anything down.
2. If you put the receiver down during the call, then pick it up the same way.
3. Don't let anyone else use the phone unless they abide by rules 1 and 2.
I think the person who wrote these tips is more neurotic than me. My solution is to just get a cordless phone.

Lunchbox

Do you think if you walked into a grade 1 class today and asked a kid at random what a lunchbox was – they would know? I’m sure they’d call over their teacher and you’d get a free trip to the principal’s station … but let’s just imagine the kid’s response. I’ll bet they don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s so sad that kids don’t have lunchboxes anymore. I remember the coatroom in my elementary school had a shelf above the coat hooks where all the lunchboxes would be lined up in a row. My lunchbox was a yellow Pac Man one. The kid next to me used to have an orange Transformers one. It was like having my own briefcase for work … so professional, yet so colourful. There was always the one kid who had the generic lunchbox without a theme – everyone made fun of them. The brown paper bag kids were so envious of us when they’d pull out their leaky lunches with sandwiches that got squished at the bottom of their backpacks. The best part of the lunchbox was the matching thermos. It wouldn’t keep hot stuff hot, or cold stuff cold. It would leak all the time – but had a cool spout and a built in cup! Now kids use insulated lunch bags with built in freezer pack compartments and nalgene bottles. Where’s the fun in that!?!

Mmmm.... cookies!

I am a typical grocery store customer - any time there is a flashy new display in the grocery store, I am mesmerized by it. I hypnotically walk toward it and pile into my basket whatever it is that is new and exciting in the store. Last week I was taken by the new President's Choice Chocolate Chip Brownie Cookie. Imagine the teams of psychologists and marketing analysts that sit around large tables, planning how saps like me will get coerced into buying new products. After taking these cookies home and sampling the the fancy new product, I was pleasantly surprised. It is a tasty combination of chocolate and two-bite brownies, squashed into a cookie. And zero trans fat! What more could you ask for? I recommend you try it out!

Y2K – wasn’t that a while ago?

I learned yesterday that NASA’s computers on board the shuttle Discovery is not really Y2K ready. Well actually it’s not Y2K-7 ready. The shuttle’s launch had to be expedited to avoid it from being in orbit over Dec 31/06 and Jan 1/07. The 30 year old computer software apparently can’t handle the change in year from 2006 to 2007, so the plan is to bring the shuttle back before Dec 31. What ever happened to NASA being so cool and state of the art? Space travel seemed so futuristic and technologically advanced. The mystery behind the NASA labs was always something for geeks to dream about. But now it’s all a let down, especially if the computer can’t even handle a simple year change. I bet the new Playstation 3 has a smarter computer than the space shuttle.

Chewing gum

I don’t really like chewing gum. For several reasons really: I don’t like the idea of simulated fruit flavours, I don’t like putting something strangely artificially coloured in my mouth, and I don’t like the idea of chewing on something that has a rubbery consistency. I also don’t like it when other people chew gum – for some of the same reasons, but mainly because some people chew gum like how a cow chews grass … obnoxiously. I’d never stop someone from chewing gum … this is just one of those things that I keep to myself and think about later on. I was convinced that there was nothing good that could come out of chewing gum. Sure you can chew gum to keep yourself awake while driving, or chew gum to try to quit smoking … but there seems to be alternatives to keeping yourself awake or quitting smoking. Yesterday I read that new chewing gum will be available next year that is made with bacteria that can fend of cavities. This good bacteria in the gum can stop the bad bacteria from harming the tooth’s surface. I think we need to reintroduce the concept of brushing your teeth.

Warning Labels

I was recently searching online for frivolous warning labels… not for fun, but for work. But it’s always a bonus when I come across something funny that I can share with everyone. The following are warning label winners from the 9th annual wacky warning contest held by the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch:

A heat gun that moves paint by blasting it with 1000 degree Fahrenheit air: “Do not use the heat gun as a hair dryer”

On a kitchen knife: “Never try to catch a falling knife”

On a cocktail napkin with a map of the waterways around South Carolina: “Not to be used for navigation”

A bottle of dried bobcat urine used to keep rodents away from garden plants: “Not for human consumption”

Knowledge

I often tell people that if there is any useless piece if information that they seek - come to me because likely I will have their answer. Yesterday we were having a discussion about the show "Breaker High" when I shared with everyone the name of Ryan Gossling's roommate in the show (Jimmy). I'm full of useless information - which is why I enjoy Jeopardy so much. But yesterday I read this story that put my useless knowledge to shame.

A Japanese mental-health counsellor has recited pi up to 100,000 decimal places, setting what he claims to be a world record. Akira Haraguchi, 60, needed more than 16 hours to recite the number to 100,000 places, breaking his personal best of 83,431 digits set in 1995.

Waiting in line...

This past weekend I decided to go to a "designer sale" held at a HUGE warehouse. I was very excited about this sale ... and thought I had planned my visit to the sale very well. I had never been to anything like this before, so I didn't really know what to expect... and it turns out I was a bit naive on how popular this sale would be. There were lineups for EVERYTHING ... a lineup to get into the building, a lineup to get to the clothes, a lineup that literally went around the building to pay, and then a lineup to get out. I couldn't believe it. Of course I left my music player at home, so I didn't have much to keep me busy while waiting in line. When I got home I looked up ways to pass the time while waiting in line. Several websites offer tips .. below are a few of my favourites:
* Loudly ask “Who is cooler: Obi Wan or Vader?” Move to the front of the line through the resulting confusion.
* If the day is particularly busy for you, this is a good time to not do anything except wait. Use waiting time as a time to calm down, find your focus, and relax - perhaps a time to try out the laughter yoga?
* Blink wildly and then close your eyes really tight for an interesting light show
* Try and sound Welsh

Laughing yoga

Did you know that laughter can heal you? I read about laughter yoga classes that encourage people to laugh for 15-20 minutes at a time. It’s laughing for no reason – no jokes or skits … just laughing. Apparently the body cannot tell the difference between real laugher of fake laughter – and laughter decreases stress hormones, thus boosting the immune system. My eyes always tear up when I laugh for real, so I wonder if they’d tear up when I fake laugh? I like the idea of this laughing yoga – because you don’t have to get down on a yoga mat and act like a tree or fish or anything. Unless you want to be a laughing tree or laughing fish. I’d like to see “office laughing yoga” similar to the office yoga poses I see in the newspaper. These are poses you can do discretely at your desk to keep yourself limber. I can’t see any harm in spontaneously bellowing at your desk in an attempt to increase your immunity.

MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Triple washed?

Yesterday I read that Toronto had done a particularly good job of conserving energy over the last year. The energy consumption dropped from the energy use for the previous year. Other areas of the country, and other countries were not so energy conscious, and some even increased their energy consumption. On an unrelated note, I read that “triple washed” bagged salad should be washed by the consumer before eating. I was interested in this “triple washed” phenomenon. What sort of item needs to be washed three times, and then once more? What on earth could it be covered in (or do I even want to know)? After some investigation I found out that triple washed = light chlorine bath + chilled water bath + chilled water bath. But apparently that’s not enough. You have to wash as a precaution since bacteria can live in all fresh produce. Now here is what I think. Other places are using up an unnecessary amount of energy doing frivolous things like washing their lettuce 3 times for no reason. So energy wasting places … stop washing your lettuce so many times and you too will reduce your energy consumption!

Probiotics

I think this whole new probiotic culture product fad is such a sham! Now you’re probably wondering what I’m talking about and why I’m so blunt about it. Let me take a step back … several dairy products are advertising the inclusion of probiotic culture in their product. Examples are yogurt and milk beverage. Probiotic cultures are live bacterial strains used for intestinal health. Sounds well and good – and really I have no issue with these bacteria. I appreciate bacteria – they often do very good work (like make tasty cheese). But advertising that eating probiotic products for 14 days will make you feel so much better –without telling you why you will feel better - is just wrong. If you’ve ever seen any of these ads, there is no indication of what the probiotics help you with. There are just people dancing around and eating yogurt. Does it help you dance better? You should have learned yesterday that the Itsy Bitsy Spider-Man can help you with that – no need to eat yogurt. But really probiotics are going to help out your intestine – and likely you won’t notice it so directly, so you won’t dance around in joy. So unless these probiotic product makers are going to say directly – “It’s going to help your intestine, and this is how…” – I’m not buying it!

What happened Spidey?

When I was younger I would watch the Spider-Man cartoon on television. Spider-Manwas so cool – swinging from building to building with the web that came out of his wrists. I used to flick my wrists and expect a web to come flying out. How cool would that be if I could swing all around my house with a web that came out of my wrist! I can’t say I’m still a huge Spider-Man fan – I saw the films but I don’t keep up with all things Spidey. But what I do know is that Spider-Man really keen on science, but he was really shy – until a radioactive spider bit him. Spiderman was and always should remain cool and brave. It is such a shame that the people at Hasbro have decided that the next generation of children should see Spider-Man in a different light. They’ve decided that Spider-Man needs to be soft, cute and cudley … and should be a snappy dancer as well! So they’ve created the Itsy Bitsy Spiderman – you’re friendly neighborhood Spider-Man that’s ready to boogie! It is no wonder that kids are so messed up. What fond memories of superheroes will these kids have … that they were taught the Polka?

Groupies

I once met a Clay Aiken groupie. She was a middle aged women who was absolutely smitten with Clay Aiken. I was in line at a drugstore checkout right behind her. She was asking the checkout fellow how to take the subway to some place in the city and turned a simple question of "where are you from" into her life story. She was from some small prairie farming town in Saskatchewan. She and her group of friends had travelled around the continent, attending Clay Aiken concerts - and up to that point she had attended 6 concerts in the year. Now I'm sure you're asking "What would possess someone to travel around city to city following Clay Aiken?". Well I asked this lady - and she said it was "because Clay is so talented. His music is so great and he never curses". I read this weekend that Clay Aiken isn't the only musician that has an unexpected fan following. There are fans of Wagner's 14-17 hour "The Ring" opera known as Ringheads or, in Australia, Wagneroos. One lady from Winnipeg mortgaged her house to travel worldwide and see the performances. Probably because Wagner too is so talented and never curses. Maybe the obsessiveness over unusual musical talents is something about people from the prairie provinces?

Engineering Law

I am currently studying for my professional engineering exam and am at the most boring part of the studying – the Law portion. It seems to be a very important part of the profession – who is in trouble when something goes wrong. Finger pointing is always important. I wish though there was some way to make the topic more exciting. Perhaps in the form of a television show? There seems to be several versions of Law and Order – criminal intent, special victims unit, regular. There had might as well be Law and Order: Engineering Catastrophes. I think it is a winner! Perhaps something like CSI: Engineering Structures. I’d love to see Horatio Caine or Gil Grissom examining some software code that was poorly written – decoding the problems and finding the criminals responsible. Not only would that make fascinating television – but it would also help me study without having to read!

P.S. I think this is one of my million dollar ideas - so PATENT PENDING!

Escape artist

Yesterday I saw a man on Canada AM that was an escapist. He had just completed the extremely difficult task of freeing himself of handcuffs and chains while being buried alive in a tub of wet cement. He explained how the cement contained lime, and that lime burns the skin – so now he has cement burns on his body, but that the ambulance workers on standby didn’t need to intervene. He told the show host that on one of his escape attempts, something went wrong and that EMS saved his life. I believe that this man is from Manitoba – so all I can say is thank goodness the taxpayers of Manitoba, and not me, are paying for this fellow’s medical treatment. What a senseless waste of time and money. Think of all the good that cement could have done! Someone could have repaved their driveway!

Pink Flamingos

So long plastic pink flamingo. The tacky lawn ornament is 49 years old, but its life has now come to an end. Its manufacturer, Union Products of Massachusetts stopped production because of increases in costs of electricity and plastic resin. The flamingo's production ended in June and the plant is scheduled to close at the end of the month. I never understood why people detested the pink plastic flamingo so much - I thought it was cool. It's always refreshing to see a pink plastic flamingo in someone's garden during a snowy winter. Maybe if more people celebrated birthdays publicly - the pink plastic flamingo would still be made. Pay your respects the next time you see a pink plastic flamingo.