Exotic Animals

I read in the newspaper yesterday that more and more exotic animals are being stolen from zoos. In 4 years approximately 600 animals were stolen from European zoos. I’m not sure what people do with exotic animals. What is the thrill of having an exotic animal? It doesn’t talk or dance and sing – so why would you want it? Wouldn’t a photo do the trick? How would you house train exotic animals? Would you need an imported litter box? And what type of people would pull of such a heist? Do they hide the parrots under their shirts without anyone noticing? Then when you get your animal home - wouldn’t the neighbors notice a 200lb tortoise in your backyard? So many unanswerable questions.

Decorating styles

Do you ever look around your home and wonder how long what you have going on in there is going to be in style? Whenever I watch those home makeover shows I always wonder what the homeowners were thinking in decorating their home with the yellow floral wallpaper and avocado green appliances. But then again that was in style at some point – but now it is just hideous. But who decides that certain things are out of style? Just because they are not the newest style, does that mean that the pink ceramic tiles need to go? I didn’t know there was such a small amount of space on the style table. Anything that is not new must go. People spend thousands of dollars upgrading their homes, but soon their new cabinetry and window coverings will be out of style. Maybe everyone should rebel and just stay style neutral. Live in a house that has everything in white – kitchen, walls, floor, and washroom. That way it’s never in style, but at least it is not out of style.

Reminiscing shoes

I recently threw out an old pair of shoes – not a very unique occurrence, and definitely not unexpected. I had the shoes for about 4 years – they had holes on the inside, and the soles were so worn down they were completely smooth. There was absolutely nothing salvageable about these shoes. But after I threw them out I considered how long I had them and everywhere I had worn them. I wore them all around New Orleans (pre Hurricane Katrina), in Disneyland, through 4 Ontario winters, and up the CN tower stairs (during the stair climb). I’m sure I’ve worn them in other interesting places – that’s all I could think of. But I thought it was pretty interesting how much those shoes had been through. There are several new “smart” running shoes with computer chips that communicate with ipods, or adjust the sole grip according to the terrain. But I think new shoes need to be developed that have some type of photo capabilities. Everyday it can take photos of where you wore those shoes. Then when it is time to throw them out you could see all the photos and remind yourself of all the places you’ve seen with those shoes. What’s better than scrap booking via shoes?

Garage Sales

One of the most exciting things about summer weekends is garage sales. My neighborhood seems to have quite a few garage sales – everyone has crazy stuff to unload. I visited a few garage sales this past weekend searching for paperbacks. People seem to have libraries of books with topics ranging from Middle Eastern cooking, to maternity tai chi and 1972 Funk and Wangles Encyclopedias. One household across the street from me had a huge box of books in their garage sale, so I decided to sift through to find something interesting. After going through about 30 books on a number of random topics, I came across a book at the bottom of the box – a book on pleasuring your wife. Now there is nothing wrong with having this book, and based on the cover it did look very tasteful. But it was extremely tattered and had a number of bookmarks in it. I guess the fellow selling this had learned all he could from the book, but it seems to me that this may be the type of garage sale item that is better tossed out than resold.

McDonaldland

I was thinking about those little plastic toys that you get with children’s meals at fast food restaurants. You know – those toys that draw children into the restaurant, and encourage them to eat trans-fat filled foods that contribute to childhood obesity (or so I hear). In the film Supersize Me all children in an elementary school classroom could identify Ronald McDonald – but I remember other characters. In a search online I discovered all of the McDonaldland residents. There is something Supersize Strange about McDonaldland. First – why is it called McDonaldland when Ronald McDonald is not even the mayor or founder? Thy mayor was Mayor McCheese. All of the other residents of McDonaldland had creative names: Hamburglar, Birdie the Early Bird and the Fry Kids (I’m sure the inspiration for the Fly Girls), with one exception – Grimace. What type of name is Grimace? Grimace has to be the most uncreative and useless character in McDonaldland. A big purple cone with arms and legs with a name that explains how you feel when you discover the mystery of the McDonald’s secret sauce.

Caterers

I was watching a movie the other day and decided to sit through the credits because the film was disappointing and I hoped it could redeem itself with a hidden scene at the end of the credits (no such luck). But while waiting for the non-existent hidden scene I read through the credits as best as I could. The key grip, and 2nd 2nd assistant were listed there (strange sounding positions). But the credit I thought was most interesting was the caterer. How thoughtful of the filmmakers to acknowledge the caterer. Without the caterer the actors would be famished, there would be no one to direct, no one to film, no film to edit or produce – and I’m guessing the key grip and 2nd 2nd assistant would be out of a job. Hurray for the caterer!

Can openers

Yesterday while I was filling my friend Laura in on the wastefulness of the countertop dishwasher, we started discussing other appliances in the kitchen. In her opinion, the electric can opener, when used by able-bodied individuals, just screams LAZY. The conversation reminded me of a person I knew who was so energy conscious that more often than not he would wear a toque and gloves in the house instead of turning up the heat. He would take a 2-minute shower to save water (not sure how he got clean in such a short amount of time). But for being so energy conscious (and able-bodied), he had an electric can opener that he used all the time. Laura questioned this – what is more rewarding, taking a shower at the end of a long day, or not having to use your hands when opening a can?

Thieves

I often hear or read warnings about how tricky thieves are when you are visiting a foreign country. They’ll steal your wallet without you even noticing or clean out your bank account before you know it. There are so many tricks they use to fool you – distractions that you attend to an in the mean time lose your camera or purse. I always wondered about thieves – how did they get so good at what they do? Who do they practice on? And how do they think of new and innovative ways to fool you?

I came across this article a few days ago that made me think that thieves are not all they are cracked-up to be.

MUNICH, June 19 (Reuters) - A thief who stole a woman's World Cup ticket was arrested after taking her place in the stadium -- and finding himself sitting next to her husband.

Munich police said the stolen ticket was in a handbag that was snatched from the woman as she made her way to Sunday's game between Brazil and Australia.

"The audacious thief found the ticket and sat down in her place," they said in a statement. "However, the victim's husband then sat next to him in the stadium and alerted the police, who arrested the man."

Dishwashers

I was watching a home improvement show yesterday when I noticed something that I really didn’t understand. The repairmen were removing the appliances in the kitchen when they pulled out the dishwasher – a countertop dishwasher. A contraption that seems to clean about 3 plates and 3 cups at a time – the ultimate bachelor’s appliance (after the magic bullet). I am not really a fan of dishwashers … you have to pre-rinse the dishes, then load the washer, wait through all the noise to get the dishes clean, then wait until the dishes dry, and then finally put them away. I could see if there was a large family and there was really no time to wash dishes – but using the dishwasher doesn’t seem to be the ultimate time saving tool. And it seems to waste quite a lot of water and electricity in the process. I find washing dishes to be relaxing – and the yellow rubber gloves are not only stylish, but also make me feel like I’m working with plutonium.

Helmets

I was watching a news story yesterday about some type of police-EMS-firefighters Olympics. It was some friendly competition between the various 911 groups that included several difficult challenges – carrying heavy dummies, climbing ladders, and the like. While I’m sure this Olympiad is very challenging and rewarding – the main thing that stuck out to me about this competition is that every competitor shown on TV was wearing a bike helmet. The runners, climbers – everyone was wearing a bike helmet. Jerry Seinfeld mentions that humans are crazy for inventing the helmet instead of just avoiding the head-cracking activities. But perhaps if we follow the example of these competitors we would all be better off. Think how many head-related mishaps could be avoided if we were always wearing bike helmets. No more bruises or goose eggs on the head and fewer concussions. And if you wore a fashionable helmet with a built-in visor, it could be a win-win-win situation. Fewer injuries, shade from the sun, and a stylin’ look.

Chairs on the subway!!!

Readers who follow this blog regularly may know that I often think about ways that I can bring my own chair onto the subway. A few days ago I was on the subway and two girls walked on. One was carrying three patio chairs (the plastic, non-folding, stackable kind), and the other was carrying a plastic patio table. The subway was quite crowded so they had to maneuver around all the other riders and try not to bump into anyone in the process. When the subway was coming to a stop, they grasped at the metal pole to stable themselves while holding onto these chairs and table. Finally the train cleared a little and they could set their chairs and table down. However they chose just to stand by their patio furniture instead of sit on it. There were no other seats on the train – so why not just sit on the chairs you just brought on? If it was me carrying all that stuff, I wouldn’t have just set up the patio set on the train, but I would have also set up a little lemonade stand or blackjack table. Might as well since you already have the furniture there.

Good Advice

“Since you’re thinking anyway – think big”. This was a quote from Donald Trump (aka The Donald) that I read the other day. I don’t know why The Donald is a cooler name than Donald. If you want to be cool just add “The” to the beginning of your name. But anyway, getting back to the quote – I guess this explains The Donald’s success in real estate. I think his advice can be extended to just about anything. If you are going to speed, speed as fast as your car can go. If you are going to clean your kitchen, clean until the tiles are totally worn out. If you’re going to ride a roller coaster, ride it over and over until you pass out. If you are suffering from male pattern baldness, stretch the comb over as far as it can. If anyone asks, explain it’s The Donald’s secret to success.

Confidence

I came across this in the newspaper a few days ago. I didn't write it - but I think that it's strangeness speaks for itself. I think i'll use the beetroot strategy myself.

"The woo-woo way"

Roz Lewis of Britain's Daily Express has compiled "steps to super confidence" from self-help authors, including:

"Imagine you have an energy field surrounding you full of holes," says Lynette Allen, author of Behind With the Mortgage and Living Off Plastic (Crown Publishing). "Think of those holes as leaking your confidence away. Then imagine blocking up all the leaks, so you are keeping your energy and positivity inside you."

Confidence, in terms of energetic systems, is determined by the strength of your liver, says Barefoot Doctor (http://www.barefootdoctorworld.com). "Raise liver energy by eating half a cooked beetroot at lunchtime and say to yourself, 'I now find myself highly pleasing in the presence of others.' By dinner time, you will be the life and soul of the party."

Carry a crystal: Carnelian or orange amber are said to inspire confidence and courage, according to Cassandra Eason, author of The Illustrated Directory of Healing Crystals (Collins & Brown). Soak newly bought crystals in water overnight to cleanse and then use.

Music

Sometimes when I’m listening to an old song, I am taken back to an earlier time in my life when I used to be young and carefree. I’d listen to this music with my friends and have no worries about school, work, or anything for that matter. Once I was listening to a song during the “retroactive lunch” on a local radio station that really took me back. In fact I took a moment just to stand still, stare out of the window, and enjoy the song. Oh that took me back! But then the radio host mentioned the song was a #1 hit in 1978. I wasn’t even born then…

So now I’m questioning my attachment to all of these old songs. After inspection, most of these songs that I have in my iTunes library are much older than me. I really have no idea what I am reminiscing about now. Come to think of it – I don’t think I was ever “young and carefree”. I’m going to blame Hollywood for this.

Parched

I had a salty lunch yesterday, so on my walk home I felt thirsty. Well maybe not thirsty – maybe parched. I don’t know which (or if it makes a difference) but I really would have liked a glass of water. It was likely the combination of the salty lunch and chatting with Caterina about all things Italian on the subway ride home. Nevertheless - I was parched. Whenever I am parched I am like a nomad lost in the desert – and everything looks like an oasis. I saw someone watering their lawn and was tempted to ask if I could drink from their garden hose. I was imagining how bad it is for my body to be so deprived of water. Maybe my muscles would seize up, or my eyeballs would dry out. The next time I blinked maybe my eyelids wouldn’t come back up. A terrible feeling. The usual 10 minute walk felt like hours, and when I finally got home, filled up a glass with water and attempted to drink it – I somehow managed to drop it and spill water all over the counter. I bet my hand wasn’t gripping properly because I was so parched!

Walk of Fame

Alex Trebek from Jeopardy just received a star on Canada’s Walk of Fame. So now he has two stars – one in Toronto and one in Hollywood. I’m not sure how I would feel about having a star on a walk of fame. Is it really prestigious for people to walk all over your names and birds to do their business on your star? I’d hire a guard for my star so that it always remains in pristine condition. I can’t believe that tourists are drawn to these stars on the ground. I’m sure there are other pieces of cement in the world that are more important than the stars. Would the sidewalk outside the White House as much attention as Alex Trebek’s star in Hollywood? Maybe only if Alex Trebek has walked there.

Final Jeopardy

Every now and again I manage to catch Jeopardy on TV. It must be one of the longest running game shows on TV. I always think that I would do so well on Jeopardy – except for the Arts and Opera questions. I think the strategy on that game is to ring in as fast as possible – because sometimes you see contestants going crazy with their ringer-inner and press the button over and over in attempt to ring in first. I always of course have to say the response out loud when I know the question to the clue on the show – even if there is no one around. At least I can prove my smartness to myself. I don’t like the get-to-know-the-contestants part of the show … probably because the contestants always feel they need to share the most ridiculous stories/hobbies/interests with Alex Trebek. It’s a given that the contestants on Jeopardy are a bit strange – they don’t need to make it worse by talking about themselves. My favorite part of the show is Final Jeopardy because anytime I know the answer to the clue I feel like I’m the smartest person in the world. It’s Final Jeopardy after all!

Plastic Containers

I love plastic containers – they protect your lunch from the elements and help out the environment by reducing waste. But there are a few things I wish magically would change about plastic containers. 1. I don’t like carrying empty containers home and all the space they take up in my bag on the return trip home. If they were collapsible – then I’d be a lot happier. 2. I don’t like containers that leak. Why would anyone design a container that was not leak-proof? The shape and material of containers lends itself to being filled with items that could potentially spill. So why then would the container not prevent leaks? Just doesn’t make any sense to me. 3. Discoloration and warping. Containers should be tough so that last week’s heated spaghetti lunch doesn’t leave a permanent mark on the container wall and on the shape of the container. When I was in elementary school plastic containers were such a novelty that I’d make sure to always pack it carefully in my bag and take it home. Now containers are so undervalued that people just leave them around and never claim them again (look in your office lunchroom to see real hard evidence of this). I can’t believe though that people have parties where they buy plastic containers. Unless those plastic containers have food in them I wouldn’t go to a party like that.

Superglue

Over the weekend I got myself some superglue to fix up my running shoes. I don’t know why, but the sole of my shoes decided to separate from the shoe part. Well I won’t stand for that! On the package of the glue there were several warnings that said it will bond skin immediately so BE CAREFUL! I don’t want joined digits so I wore rubber gloves. The shoes got fixed very well, so I started looking around the house for other things that needed to be super glued. The chopping board in my kitchen has these little rubber feet that become loose every time I wash the board – so I decided to glue down the feet to the board. Well here is the lesson from that adventure – make sure that you let the glue dry before you turn the chopping board onto its feet and start using it again. You might find that chopping board a little affixed to the counter. But if that does happen to you (not to say that it happened to me of course) – a knife will do the trick to release the board from the grips of the counter.

Security?

Yesterday I was walking by a “Blinds to Go” store when I noticed a security guard standing in the doorway. Now I now we live in turbulent times where an excessive amount of security seems necessary – but really, at Blinds to Go? What can you steal from there, and how will no one notice? First, at Blinds to Go there are custom sized blinds – so a thief would have to come in beforehand with their window measurements to determine which blinds they want to steal. Second, all the blinds are attached to the walls – so the thief would have to unscrew whichever blinds they want to steal. Doesn’t seem like an easy target for thieves – but who knows… maybe there is a huge underground blinds market and security guards are cashing in.

Fever

The World Cup is underway, and all over the news I hear that “World Cup Fever” has hit the city. Seems that there are many different fevers that we suffer from … Stanley Cup Fever, Jazz Fest Fever. It seems when ever there anything exciting going on we suffer from a fever (how weak are we!). I never hear of World Series Syndrome, or Film Festivalitis. Who is making these diagnoses? I think they may be a little off the mark with all the fevers.

Rain

What is so scary about the rain? Any time there is the slightest chance of rain in the forecast people put the brakes on their plans and head indoors. Is the rain really that bad? What is going to happen if you get a little wet? Are you going to melt? I don’t understand this phobia of water. When I went to Disneyworld, there was a huge lineup for Splash Mountain, but when it started to rain everyone ran for cover. Oh the irony! So I say to all the readers – embrace the water. Think of all the good things water does for us. Swimming, snorkeling, sailing, yachting, canoeing … the water enjoyment is endless. Oh and our bodies are primarily made of water and we need water to live. So don’t be so scared and just deal with the water – that’s why we have umbrellas.

Orange Juice

I drank a bottle of Fairlee Orange Juice from Concentrate yesterday, and discovered that it tastes nothing like an orange. Why is that? It is this super consistent bizarre orange color (not really the color of an orange), and has kind of a weird taste. Why doesn't it taste like oranges? And why does it have to be from concentrate? Doesn't that just insult the oranges? They get squeezed, then the juice is reduced, and stored for a better day. When the day comes around ­ water is added. I¹d be upset at this sort of treatment if I was an orange. Apparently drinking a bottle of orange juice far exceeds a serving of fruit by 3/4 of a cup (or something along those lines). According to this nutritionist that I saw on TV ­ drinking these big bottles of juice leads to people becoming overweight. I can't imagine this juice making anyone overweight - because it is not tasty at all.

Monocles

I was looking at the image of Mr Peanut from yesterday’s post and noticed that he is wearing a monocle. Why? What is it that Mr Peanut is suffering from that he needs to wear a monocle? Far sightedness? How does a monocle work anyway? Is it like what the jeweler’s wear when evaluating diamonds? The monocle is so smartly fashioned that it has it’s own string – if I was wearing a monocle I’d make that string retractable I think only individuals who are distinguished wear monocles. Try-hards like me wear spectacles, and people who just don’t need to try wear contact lenses (or have perfect vision). You don’t see people in track- suits wearing monocles. There must be something about the monocle that doesn’t work since very few people now wear them. Maybe they work too well and the government banned them (wouldn’t doubt that conspiracy theory). It seems though that through history only evil people wear monocles. Watch out for that Mr Peanut then – he’ll give you high cholesterol!

Podcasts

Podcasts are a great idea. Any nutcase, anywhere in the world, can make an audio recording and distribute it around the world through the magic of the internet (and iTunes of course). You can get a variety of podcasts including business news, a French lesson, science tidbits, and even quality Toronto City Pulse 24 podcasts. My favorite podcasts are the humorous ones because I like to grade my level of humor against that of the podcaster. The only danger of listening to these humorous podcasts is that sometimes they are just so funny that you laugh out loud. Now this may be normal in certain setting, but in setting where no one knows why you are laughing may make people suspicious of you. Their concerned looks will tell you that they think you are the nutcase now.

Mosquitos

One thing that I will never be able to figure out ever is how a tiny mosquito, drawing a droplet of blood from your body – can cause you so much misery! I just don’t understand it. A paper cut draws more blood from your body and does not cause as much trauma. Whenever I get mosquito bites, my arms and legs swelled up with big red apple sized welts. How does this result from a tiny mosquito?!? I think that if you ever wanted to get revenge on an enemy, you should release a mosquito into their room – because what will result is much worse than anything that you could personally inflict on them. Mosquito’s are strange, because its only the women mosquitoes that go and to the biting. Can you imagine how much they must hate us that they inflict this much pain on us. Maybe in caveman times when mosquitoes were the sizes of people, the cavewomen insulted the women mosquitoes. “Would you just look at her blood sucker – I don’t know who she’s trying to fool with that.” Well you know how women are… so now the mosquitoes are showing us.

Spelling champ (almost)

This week a young Canadian girl managed to make it to the final round of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. She and one other young lady went head-to-head to win the title of National Spelling Bee champion. Unfortunately the word “weltschmerz” stumped the Canadian who had to settle for second place. Now this is quite an achievement – to be the second best speller in all of North America. Spelling bee’s must have been created by teachers who couldn’t hold gym class because it was raining outside. In the spirit of competition, instead they decided to create a new sport – a sport using only your brain. But I ask this question – what in the world is the purpose of a spelling bee? I have absolutely no idea what being a spelling bee champion would add to your life. Does it mean that you are good at memorizing? Perhaps good at sounding words out? Is proper spelling a transferable skill? If you can spell well does that mean that you can drive a stick-shift? If it has significant effects on one’s life, I’ll pay more attention to my spell-checker while typing. Incidentally – weltschmerz is not identified by my spell-checker.

Marvels

While cleaning the washroom in my place I realized that the floor of my shower is the same shape as the superman symbol (the outside part). If I painted the doors blue and used a red towel – it would look just like Clark Kent! I guess that would make the sink Lois Lane, and the toilet Lex Luthor. Maybe I should make my house an entire Marvel theme … a Batman kitchen, an Xmen bedroom, and a Spiderman study.

Fruit Thieves

Earlier this week I saw a news report that students at an elementary school had planted fruit trees two years ago in the anticipation that they would be able to enjoy some fresh cherries from their school garden. However a few days back thieves uprooted the trees and stole them, leaving only empty holes in the ground. Now I ask you – who would do something like this? And how could someone not notice fruit trees getting stolen? It’s not like a bank heist – in and out quickly. It takes time to pull up to the school, dig the trees out of the ground, load them into a vehicle, and take off. The thieves must have wanted to keep the trees intact, so they probably took some time in making sure the trees didn’t get damaged along the way. And through all of this no one noticed the trees getting stolen? Imagine the planning that went into this… all the gardening equipment and transportation tools that were needed to steal these cherry trees from the school. As a public service announcement I ask you to look around your neighborhood to see if anyone has recently planted cherry trees … you never know who fruit tree thieves are! If I were a thief, I’d be one with a lasting impression. If I stole the cherry trees, I’d leave a bottle of maraschino cherries behind for the kids.

AC

OK so it is hot, smoggy, and gross here in Toronto. We already know that – and of course there is more to come. So what can we do to counteract this heat and not go loco? Most people opt to turn on their air conditioners – so in addition to the smell, humidity, and heat there is more noise. Now I appreciate air conditioning very much. It would be difficult to sit through a three-hour film in a theater without AC. But there should be some AC guidelines. To me it seems that this is how AC works – take the temperature outside, put a minus sign on it and make that the temperature for the inside. It is so difficult to dress in weather like this – hot outside and frigid inside. The opposite of winter, you’ve got to dress up when you come in. Perhaps this nerdy engineer’s air conditioner will do a better job of keeping us cool without turning us into a popsicle.