Swiffers

Remember back in the day when there was this interesting product available called the Swiffer? On the commercial, wood floors were cleaned to a shine by ladies that were dancing around their house and having a good time cleaning. The Swiffer Sweeper was such a novelty. My friend Teresa was so excited by the Swiffer that she made the trek by foot all the way to Canadian Tire to buy one. She later recounted to me how great the product was and how both sides of the Swiffer sheet could be used to clean! But now the technology has evolved - right now there are officially 6 different types of Swiffer Sweepers available! The Swiffer website will provide you with important information on each of the types of Swiffers. The WetJet, CarpetFlick, my personal favorite the Sweeper+Vac, and more! I think the Swiffer is the only cleaning product that I’ve come across that doesn’t disappoint. Caterina told me this weekend that she was cleaning with a Swiffer Duster, and just like in the commercial – it was cleaning so well that she just couldn’t stop dusting! If you are a swiffer fan, visit the website for invaluable information on how to fluff up your duster, order parts for your Swiffer, and download manuals on the proper cleaning techniques using your Swiffer. Oh the Swiffer technology marvels!

Smoke detectors

I have a trigger-happy smoke detector. Anytime I make toast the detector goes off – beeping and screeching until I pull the broom out of the closet and poke the ceiling hitting the silence button. It’s just like an upset baby with that hush button. After I hit the button the detector whimpers every 30 seconds for 10 minutes just to make sure I can still hear that it is upset. Yesterday however the detector failed me. I was cooking something on the stove and forgot it was there. By the time I remembered about half of my dinner had become charcoal. Where was the detector then? Slightly toasted bread is a red alert, but food burning to a crisp is a-ok.

Bicycle related observations

Bicycles are such a wonderful vehicle – they don’t have any emissions, give you exercise, and can come in a variety of styles and colours to match your personality (banana seat coaster with streamers attached to the handle would be my match). Yesterday I saw two strange bicycle-related things. The first I guess is not that strange, but it was a pole that attached to this little kid’s tricycle. The kid’s father was holding the pole like it was the handle to a stroller. Quite ingenious I thought –yet another contraption to keep kids from becoming independent. I bet that kid will have his dad holding onto a pole of his mountain bike when he is a teenager speeding down a muddy hill. But that was not the strangest thing I saw – the strangest was a fellow, riding a normal bike with one hand, and carrying a propane cylinder with his other hand. Not one of those small green coleman propane cylinders – but a big white regular sized propane cylinder. I don’t know how he could ride and hold that thing at the same time - he must have very strong arms. Imagine if he dropped the cylinder while he was riding … the mayhem!

Cussing

Or is it Cursing? I never really know. But my colleague Rachel and I were discussing swearing the other day. I don’t really swear – at least not out loud. I will drop a few bad words to myself when I slam my thumb in the drawer, or almost get hit by a car when crossing the street. I’m a big fan of those almost swear phrases: Oh Fudge, Darn it, What the H-E-double hockey sticks, and the like. I think those are just as bad as swearing because you really did mean to swear but just changed the words. Its like when I ask someone if they have been reading this blog – they respond yes but really they mean no. So it all is the same thing. I think I’ll make up some of my own cutsie swear phrases to use instead of the real bad words. How about – Oh frugal dumpling!

Watermelon

One of my most favourite things about summer is Watermelon. It’s so sweet and juicy. Someone told me that when he was growing up, after eating the pinkish melon part, he’d use the white rind to wipe his face clean. I’ve never tried it – but what a great fruit that you can nourish yourself, and clean up with! For me to have watermelon it is a little tricky … I take my folding shopping cart with me to the market, load the watermelon in. I then unload it onto the checkout conveyer belt, and then put it back in my cart after it has been paid for (must lift with the knees!). Then I pull my shopping cart all the way home with this watermelon in it. Finally after I get home I go through the entire process of cutting open the melon. Now usually I don’t mind going through all this effort to cut the melon because it is well worth it. However this last melon I bought was a bit of a disappointment. On the outside of the melon – there is this huge sticker that says “SEEDLESS”. That to me means no seeds (even though those little white seeds are still there- but that’s acceptable). Well this melon had many black seeds, not just one or two. It says seedless though! So what should I do? I was thinking of collecting all of the black seeds and sticking them to the SEEDLESS label, then taking that back to the grocery store. That is clearly false advertising. I wonder if I’d get a refund?

Final report from my hiatus

After the 5 hours and 13 minute smelly feet experience, I enjoyed a week of R & R courtesy of the good people and good weather on the west coast. Typical to west coast form, I observed a broad spectrum of activities, ranging from extreme hippy culture to 5 star west coast dining. On my way back, I had a shorter flight – only 4 hours. Don’t ask me to explain why – apparently it has something to do with wind, but I think that the pilot was just speeding. On the way back I had a seat with a built-in satellite TV in front of me. 24 channels to keep me busy for the entire time! Now, I was taking this flight at midnight, so the “in flight entertainment” didn’t get switched on for an hour or so. Think back to the last time you turned on the TV at 1am. Was there anything worthwhile on TV? Anything that kept your attention and kept you from dosing off? There are only two types of shows on TV at that time – commercials for telephone chat lines and infomercials. Now I thought satellite TV would be exempt from this because it uses space-age technology to beam the TV signal to the plane. I was wrong – all that there was, on these 24 channels was commercials for chat lines and infomercials. Which is really a total waste since you can’t make calls from the plane anyway. Catch 22.

More from the hiatus

So on my 5 hour and 13 minute journey in which I had to deal with the stinky feet smell from my neighbor, I decided to help pass the time by watching some videos on my computer. I like watching videos during journeys because it makes the time pass so much more quickly. My favorite videos to watch are TV shows. I seem to have a short attention span, so a 30 minute show minus commercials comes to about 23 minutes. Just enough to keep my attention. My stinky feet neighbor kept looking over my shoulder while I was watching the shows on my computer. While I don’t mind someone peering over, it was rather strange because she would watch for a few minutes, and then recount what had happened to the other person sitting next to her. It was almost like watching something with the described video feature turned on. “Oh Homer is dancing now”, “The Fonz just said Eyyyy”, “Sophia doesn’t look like the oldest Golden Girl”. Maybe this lady’s job was a professional commentator. I don’t know – but if it was, she was very good at it.

Flip-flops

The warm weather is upon us… and while there is nothing I enjoy more than packing my winter coat and toque away, there are some downfalls to summer weather. Sandals in the summer are a must – it’s just too hot to wear socks and shoes. And wearing boots in the summer is just a fashion faux pas. But sandals are a dangerous shoe, primarily because they completely eliminate the barrier between the general public (most notably me) and the stinky feet of others. During my hiatus I had the displeasure of sitting next to someone for 5 hours and 13 minutes who was wearing flip flops – cheap plastic flip flops. And the stickiness really was becoming just too much. I was in such a trap – there was no way to get away from the smell. And what could I tell this person to reduce the smell? It was really a shame I didn’t have any talc powder with me that I could just sprinkle under my seat and aim toward their feet. I kept on eating peppermint Altoids just so I could mask the smell of the feet. Just thinking back on it is making me cringe. So what can we do about this stickiness? I think we should all be conscious of how long we have been in our sandals, and get into the routine of every time we go to the washroom and wash our hands, we should also wash our feet at the same time. If not for the clean feet, then for me to be able to see people hovering over the sink while standing on one foot.

Back from my hiatus

Yes indeed – I am back and am ready to report on my adventures away. I like this word hiatus, but didn’t really know what it meant. Thanks to wiktionary – here are the definitions:

Singular: hiatus
Plural: hiatus or hiatuses
1. A break or pause.
2. A gap in a series, making it incomplete.
3. (linguistics) A pause between same vowels at the end and the beginning of a word, as in "co'operation".
4. A gap in geological strata.
5. A fissure in a bone.
6. A small difference in pitch between two musical tones.

I am pleased to report that my hiatus falls under definition #1, although when I am singing I fall under definition #6. The most important lesson here is that the plural of hiatus is not hiati (as I would expect it to be). Please share this knowledge with the world today, and be ready for amusing stories from my hiatus in the coming days.

Dear Readers

I will be away from all forms of technology for the next week or so, so I won't be able to enlighten you with my observations over that time.  But I will be back soon with many amusing anecdotes.  In the mean time here are some ways you can amuse yourself:

* Set up a booby trap in your hallway and see how many people are caught by it
* Make up a song and whistle it - see how quickly you can get it into people's heads
* Make every single meal on your George Foreman Grill.  Report to me what grilled Cheerios taste like
* Stack up every single piece of furniture you have in the house to make a fun fort.  
* Invite your neighbors over for a meal, then write down everything weird about them once they leave (again report to me)
* Visit your local garden shop and see how many old and dying plants you can buy for $1.  See if you can revive them (joke's on the garden shop if the plants survive)
* Gather all the dogs in your neighborhood and have a race.  This is a great way to make some money as a bookie.
* Catch up on the Donny and Marie show.  I read it is coming out on DVD soon.
* Read all of my old blog entries and become completely up to date.  I'll forward you a quiz next week.

Have a happy week!

Laundry Day

Yesterday was my weekly laundry day – and although it seems like a pretty regular chore, doing laundry actually requires quite a bit of planning. Apart from making sure that the red sock doesn’t end up in the white laundry (I don’t actually own any red socks), I have to strategize on what I will wash when. I usually have 2 loads of laundry – but I don’t have a lot of extra items. I have to wash my sheets in the first load of laundry so that I can have them clean and smelly April fresh by the time I head to bed. I also have to allow enough time for laundry – if I start it too late, I’ll have to wait well past the Daily Show for everything to be dry. The worst thing about laundry is starting it too late and then waiting for the dryer to finish its thing. It’s like watching a pot boil! I sometimes think about how easy a task doing the laundry is. I don’t know what happens in the washing machine, or what magic causes the dirt to just disappear, but it’s so easy. If we were pioneers we would have to use a washboard – which I’ve only seen used as an instrument during a ho-down. But my least favorite thing about laundry is the lint. What is lint? Where is it coming from? Why does lint only show itself in the dryer? And why is it always grey? Unanswerable questions!

Party Crashers

I think it is inevitable to get bugs in your house – but I am always appalled whenever I see one of those creepy-crawly’s in my place. Who let them in? Did they have an invitation? They are like party crashers – uninvited and no one appreciates having them there. I’m always embarrassed of catching a bug in the house when I have visitors over. I feel that I’ll be judged by my visitors as being “Oscar the Grouch-ish” (i.e. living among garbage) if I have a bug in the house. But really I don’t know where they are coming from or how they get in. Maybe they all wait in anticipation at the side of the door, and then when I get home from work they quickly run in and start their party. I don’t know what they expect to find inside the house that they can’t get outside. There is shelter and food outside – probably much more than inside my place. A few days ago I caught this HUGE bug inside the washroom (another place they seem to enjoy being in). I’ve never seen a bug like this one before – I think it must have been an import from the Amazon rainforest. As far as I can rationalize it, coming into the house is a bug vacation. They visit the restaurant (garbage bin), sauna (washroom), and entertainment (they like to be around my TV sometimes). Then after they’ve had a good time, there is nothing else to live for and they are buried at sea (flush!).

100th post!

This is my 100th blog entry … I can’t believe I’ve been writing (and you’ve been reading) this drivel for 100 days. Actually now that I think about it, there were a few days where there were two posts, and a couple of days that I missed. So don’t hire an auditor to verify that this is my 100th day of blogging – because it might not be. But it’s cause to celebrate. Whenever I see television shows that are celebrating their 100th episode there is always a huge novelty cake. It can never be a normal sized cake – it always is huge. I bet those huge cakes are made up of several small cakes, and the icing turns it into one big cake (they can’t fool me). I won’t be having any “novelty” items for this post, but there must be some type of celebration. Perhaps we should all go to the circus, or enjoy a picnic in the park. I never understood why people for whom we are celebrating have to host parties though… others should host the party for you. So anyone who wishes to take me to the circus (as an audience member, not to donate me), or wishes to host a picnic for me and the rest of the blog readers – please step forward. Happy 100th!

It's May - Let's Celebrate!

The other day I got an email from Air Canada that said “The month of May has always been cause for celebration. And while these days most of us don’t dance round the maypole clutching colored ribbons, that doesn’t mean we don’t know how to have a good time.” Now usually I pass over these emails and move them to the trash bin, but I was very curious what a maypole was. Apparently at some point in time, perhaps during simpler days, I was supposed to dance around one. And colored ribbons – that sounds exciting. Well I learned what a maypole is, and I think it deserves a revival. Fancy footwork and coordination are necessary to wrap all the ribbon around in sync with the music. So anyone who would like to start a maypole dancing club – let me know. It will be a grand time, and will gain in popularity just because of us. Then we can stick it to Air Canada!

Conversation Topic

Gas prices are the new weather. What do I mean by this? Well the weather was always the topic of conversation because it was something to complain about and discuss on a regular basis, primarily because it is completely out of our control. Whenever there was nothing to talk about – there was always the weather. Think how many awkward elevator conversations you have salvaged by discussing the weather. But now there are gas prices to talk about. Instead of "Looks like it's going to rain", I hear "It's $1.10 today". Gas prices are completely out of our control (or at least that is how it seems). I hear people talking about gas prices everywhere and all the time. But with the weather, we hope that Mother Nature has some method to her madness. I’m not so sure about the gas gods though. Perhaps the next topic of conversation will be bedroom slippers. I’m sure there is some conspiracy behind those.

Muskoka Chairs

Yesterday I sat in a GIANT novelty Muskoka chair – in fact it was made by the Muskoka Chair Company, and could sit two people very comfortably. Anytime I have sat in a Muskoka chair (no matter what the size), I always have a very hard time getting out of the chair. It’s almost like the chair wants you to stay in it. It is seriously a chair for sitting and lounging. I wish they made fold-up Muskoka chairs, then you could take your chair for serious lounging with you wherever you go. If I had one I’d take it on the subway because 1) sometimes I don’t get a seat on the subway when I’m tired of standing, 2) it would be so comfortable, and 3) I’d love to see the looks on the faces of the other subway riders if I just pulled out my own chair in the middle of the train.

Time

I am someone who is obsessed with time – everything has to be on time! If I feel I’ll get someplace late, I can feel my heartbeat increase. I’m like the rabbit – there’s no time! I keep the alarm clock in my place ahead by 15 minutes. 15 minutes = 2 snoozes which wakes me up in time to listen to the news on the radio. It’s a bizarre system I know, but it seems to be working for me. First off – there can never be enough clocks in my place. I have two watches, a clock on the microwave, a clock on the tv, the clock on my computer, the clock on my cell phone, and my alarm clock. In the morning I watch Canada AM which also shows a clock on screen. I like Canada AM because it shows the time in my time zone. Other morning TV shows show the time in different time zones and rotate among the zones. I don’t like that. I don’t want to have to calculate what the time is here, I just want to see it – as I said, there’s no time! But sometimes I get tripped up with all of my clocks. With all of my clocks, they are not are actually synchronized. So now I am not sure what the time really is. I try to verify across with the weather network, but it’s time is different than the CTV newsnet time. It’s all very confusing. Imagine if I was a superhero and had to save someone at exactly 10:15 am. There is a very good possibility I wouldn’t be there at 10:15 because of the lack of synchronization going on in my place! It is potentially very dangerous!

Mismatched

Do you just step out of the house for a brief while, barely looking presentable, because you are in a rush and expect to be back in the house before anyone you know has a chance to see you? Quick trips to the grocery store are acceptable in jogging pants and flip-flops when you need that one ingredient to finish baking a cake. I often see parents driving to the playing fields to pick up or drop off their children practically in bath robes. Yesterday I was attempting to be “active” decided to go out for a walk. I put on a random pair of jeans and took a jacket since it was getting windy. But it was also sunny so I took a ball cap. This was all in sequence, and really I should have had a look in the mirror before I stepped out of the house – but really – who am I going to see on my walk that will recognize me? So off I go with my haphazardly thrown together outfit listening to my music player. Just as I am enjoying the beautiful spring weather and anticipating the summer where I can continue to be active, I run into someone that I recognize. Now comes the big decision – do I put the brim of my hat down and just keep walking, or do I stop and say hello. Either way I lose – I walk by and insult the person, or I stop and am subject to questioning about my outfit. I chose to stop, and comments on my mismatched clothing were made (in the form of jokes of course). Lesson learned – if you run into someone you recognize and they are dressed in a strange manner - do not comment because it’s rude! There is nothing wrong with wearing mismatched clothes – some may say it's eclectic!

How American Idol saved lunchtime conversations

Will it be Paris? Or maybe Elliot? I just can’t stand the suspense! It seems that American Idol is the choice topic of conversation during lunchtime at my office. I don’t even watch the show but know all of the contestants and my coworkers opinions on their performances. American Idol is the new Survivor. During the first season of Survivor, at my workplace at the time, the die-hard fans had made a chart of all of the contestants and crossed them off one-by-one as they got voted off the island. But now it seems no one really cares about Survivor - there are just so many underfed, leathery skinned jerks we can watch until we need a change. I question the vote counting on American Idol. They do not show the actual vote counts on the show – so we are just supposed to believe the host when he announces who was voted off the show. Perhaps he has a vendetta against some participants, or other participants are blackmailing him. It’s on live TV, so what he announces is the final word – no changes can be made. If there was an American Idol scandal it would be the “Idolgate” of our times – much more exciting than any political scandal.

Important scientific questions

Sometimes – when I’ve got some free time to daydream, I think of important scientific questions that researchers should really consider. One question, which I have posed to others but was not taken seriously – is what would happen if you flushed all the toilets in the world at once? Would the world turn inside out from the suction? Would the water levels of the world decrease all at once? If so, it might be a good solution to flooding. When water levels are cresting dykes, perhaps the flushing should begin to prevent damage to neighboring property. It might be dangerous though because of the loud noise. Lately I am reading that people are losing their hearing from listening to loud music on their portable music players (such a new phenomenon of course!). The sound of so many toilets flushing might just be too loud to handle. We don’t want to all end up with hearing loss – how would the music industry survive! I wonder what groups of researchers would be willing to take on this work?

Food Craze

Lately I’ve been obsessed at looking for new recipes for interesting food items. I watch FoodTV, browse through magazines with recipes, and look up recipes online. I have no idea when I plan on making all of this food (a rack of lamb would last me a very long time), nor do I have the equipment necessary for making everything I find so fascinating (perhaps I should purchase that deep fryer). But it is just fascinating to me that all of this hype and excitement over food. Back in the cavemen days, I wonder if there was such a big thing about food. Hunter-gatherers – would they plan on what they want to find based on a craving that day? How about animals? Dogs seem content to eat the same boring kibble mix day after day. They don’t need Rachel Ray telling them how to make their kibble into a gourmet meal in less than 30 minutes.

Lottery Prize Division

This past week the Lotto Super 7 was estimated at a “Super” $30 million. So of course I started fantasizing about all of the great things I could buy, and all of the people I could help with all that money. Now I know my chances of winning were only 1 in 14 million, but I felt compelled to pool my birth date, and the dates of all my family member’s birth together into a ticket. I was so driven to purchase my lottery ticket that I even bore the embarrassment of being asked for identification (to verify I am over 19 – how flattering) at the ticket counter. Yesterday, the day after the big draw, I checked my numbers with anticipation. Surprise surprise – I won absolutely nothing. Not only did I win nothing, I didn’t get a single number out of 7. I believe that is called losing. But what I found appalling was the prize breakdown of all the secondary prizes. For matching 7/7 numbers, you win $30 million. For matching 6/7 numbers, plus the bonus number (essentially 7/8 numbers) the prize is only $55 thousand. How is this fair!?! What a huge difference! I thought it would at least be a million, or $100 thousand is fair – but this is just ridiculous. So I am abandoning the Lotto Super 7 – I don’t mind the poor odds of winning (because I at least have a chance), but the prize breakdown I just can’t handle.